The Crabby Cook - by Jessica Harper

1. Hungry. Lunchtime. If have to assemble one more turkey sandwich, might puke. Read More

My dog Oliver is turning five this month. That puts him at 35 dog years.

A few years ago, I still felt that Oliver’s acts of domestic destruction were charming. He was a fourteen-dog-year-old boy, after all. Bad behavior comes in that package. At least he wasn’t out riding motorcycles, his pockets full of weed. But now that he’s older, I’m ready to move on. Read More

Don’t you hate it when you hard boil an egg, and then you peel it and half the egg comes off with the shell and the yolk is green around the edges and it’s a big fat mess and you get even crabbier than you already were before you undertook this annoying task? This video shows you how to hard boil a perfect egg, so you can avoid egg-related irritation…

How to make scrambled eggs that are a little bit more tasty than the usual…
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In my childhood home, vanilla treats were favored. We ate vanilla pudding, vanilla ice cream, vanilla cookies and cake. I grew up thinking of chocolate as sort of exotic. To this day, it’s vanilla that makes my world spin: I’m a vanillaholic. Read More

I’m on my book tour, and I loved doing the Today Show because it proved that, propelled by the energy of Kathie Lee and Hoda, you can actually make an entire brunch in three minutes, which, of course, is a Crabby Cook’s dream. Okay, yes, they do provide help in the form of three chefs and two prop people (none of whom could be persuaded to come back to L.A. to live with me and solve all my kitchen bitchin’), but still, this was speed cooking at it’s finest.

Here is the recipe for the pumpkin pancakes I made on the Today Show, in case you missed it or the speed-of-light cooking style was too fast for you. Don’t worry if you can’t make both of these (along with the Acon-Bay Olls-Ray and Bloody Marys also concocted during my segment) in three minutes. It just means you will never be on national television and are pretty much a loser.

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I’m making Killer Pumpkin Muffins for Christmas breakfast. I might even make my own pumpkin puree if I have the energy, although at the moment that seems unlikely.

This recipe dates back to my daughters’ pre-school days. The school was a co-op, and a daily snack was provided by parents on a rotating basis. On your day, you r kid would act as the snack-bearig waiter, so you had to provide something that would do her proud or she’d be humiliated. The snack also had to be healthy enough to pass muster with Karen, the pre-K teacher. (Karen behaved like Oz’s Glinda, the good witch, with the kids, but with the parents she was more like Glinda’s wicked green-faced counterpart.) Read More

You wake up, do the treadmill while watching the TiVo-ed Hot In Cincinnati, shower,  write for a couple hours, return fifteen emails, make a chicken sandwich, yell at the dog for eating half your sandwich, install a new bathroom fixture and congratulate yourself for doing so, purchase a head scratcher online, write six emails, yell at the dog for eating your sandal, go to the grocery store to return a furry cheese, and now it’s 4 p.m.. It’s time for a tea break.

I’ve become obsessed with the ritual of afternoon tea after a day of thrilling activity. If you read my last post, you will know that this is the second in a tea-themed series. (If you did not read my last post, you are a loser.) First, you got my Irish niece’s recipe for brown bread, and now she’s got me making Tea Bread, which is made with (as well as eaten with) tea. Read More

The last time I had afternoon tea on a regular basis was when I shot a movie in London and the whole set came to a halt at precisely 4:00 p.m. so everyone could sit down, slurp tea, nibble cakes and discuss world affairs for twenty minutes. Then they’d leap to their feet again, all caffeinated and carbed,  and briskly continue with the task at hand.

Yesterday, I had a tea break with a friend which revived my enthusiasm for the custom. I’d consulted with my niece who lives in Ireland, where they are so much more with it than we are, tea-wise. Read More

(Makes 6 to 8 scones, which will disappear very quickly)

My older daughter turns 21 today. She’s home at the moment, so I get to indulge her every birthday wish.

She wants to go to a Dodgers game. (Her dad’s handling that.) Then, in keeping with 21^st birthday tradition, she wants to go to a bar and order a cocktail. But, like her father, she is actually much more interested in chocolate thatn she is in tequila. What she really wants when she takes that first big step into adulthood is chocolate chip scones for breakfast. Read More