The Crabby Cook - by Jessica Harper

You wake up, do the treadmill while watching the TiVo-ed Hot In Cincinnati, shower,  write for a couple hours, return fifteen emails, make a chicken sandwich, yell at the dog for eating half your sandwich, install a new bathroom fixture and congratulate yourself for doing so, purchase a head scratcher online, write six emails, yell at the dog for eating your sandal, go to the grocery store to return a furry cheese, and now it’s 4 p.m.. It’s time for a tea break.

I’ve become obsessed with the ritual of afternoon tea after a day of thrilling activity. If you read my last post, you will know that this is the second in a tea-themed series. (If you did not read my last post, you are a loser.) First, you got my Irish niece’s recipe for brown bread, and now she’s got me making Tea Bread, which is made with (as well as eaten with) tea. Read More

The last time I had afternoon tea on a regular basis was when I shot a movie in London and the whole set came to a halt at precisely 4:00 p.m. so everyone could sit down, slurp tea, nibble cakes and discuss world affairs for twenty minutes. Then they’d leap to their feet again, all caffeinated and carbed,  and briskly continue with the task at hand.

Yesterday, I had a tea break with a friend which revived my enthusiasm for the custom. I’d consulted with my niece who lives in Ireland, where they are so much more with it than we are, tea-wise. Read More

(Makes 6 to 8 scones, which will disappear very quickly)

My older daughter turns 21 today. She’s home at the moment, so I get to indulge her every birthday wish.

She wants to go to a Dodgers game. (Her dad’s handling that.) Then, in keeping with 21^st birthday tradition, she wants to go to a bar and order a cocktail. But, like her father, she is actually much more interested in chocolate thatn she is in tequila. What she really wants when she takes that first big step into adulthood is chocolate chip scones for breakfast. Read More

As I write this, it is August,, but it seems like summer’ has not begun. This is partly because in California, where I live, there is no summer really until everyone else has finished theirs; our big heat kicks in in September. Yes, we are all screwed up: no winter, no spring unless you count June, and summer in the fall. Read More

I’m blown away by the NYTimes story about the woman who has written down everything she’s made for dinner for the last fourteen years.I can’t help but imagine what my own dinner journal would look like, had I undertaken such a project. Read More

My brother-in-law Scott claims that he will not eat turkey in any format other than roasted, Thanksgiving-style. He thinks ground turkey is peculiar and unappetizing.

If you have a relative as annoying as this, or if by any chance Scott is coming to your house for dinner, you will want to skip this turkey burger recipe. For that matter, don’t bother with last week’s recipe for turkey loaf either, unless you substitute beef for the turkey. For some reason Scott is okay with ground beef, but picky people like him often have such irritating quirks. Read More

Check out this video to be instructed on genius method for opening a bottle of wine when you can’t locate a corkscrew or you are in a location far from your bar tools, or you’re simply so drunk that your small motor skills are impaired.You use your shoe.a

Caveat: I would strongly advise against using your 3-inch Manolos for this task.

Click here: Opening A Wine Bottle With A Shoe

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We were maybe going to go out for dinner last night (for a big fat change), but my  husband was suddenly gripped by a summer virus. (Why does this always happen the minute I make a reservation?) So I was back to spelunking in the fridge for dinner possibilities.

I stumbled across the remains of a turkey loaf, which had been delicious on Wednesday. It was now Sunday, and, not being as well-acquainted with the breeding habits of bacteria as I should be, I wasn’t sure if the loaf was trustworthy. I gave it the scratch ‘n sniff test and then, still uncertain, I ate a bite, figuring I’d take a bullet for my family. If I dropped dead from bacterial poisoning, I would most likely not be serving them the turkey loaf. I’d make pasta instead. (My family does not accept death as an excuse for not cooking.) Read More

The other day, I heard a lady on the radio whose name was Patience Wait. (I am not kidding.) She was participating in a news quiz, and she sounded like a very patient person. I guess she’d have to be patient, growing up with all those knuckleheads cackling about her name. I wonder if, had I been named Patience Wait, I’d have grown into that sort of person, instead of one who irritably paces her kitchen, cursing at a spatula. I guess we’ll never know.

If you have a coconut craving and do not have the Patience to Wait for say, a coconut cake to appear, try making these incredibly easy cookies. They’re ready in minutes. Just be sure to let them cool before you chow down. Patience. Wait. Read More

Who doesn’t love a good burger? I know I do. Well, in Sydney, a certain chef loves ‘em so much he was willing to spend three months planning the construction of the largest burger ever  made.Weighing in at over 210 pounds, the mega-meal took 24 hours to make (120 eggs were involved) and four men to flip.   Read More