The Crabby Cook - by Jessica Harper

The other day, I heard a lady on the radio whose name was Patience Wait. (I am not kidding.) She was participating in a news quiz, and she sounded like a very patient person. I guess she’d have to be patient, growing up with all those knuckleheads cackling about her name. I wonder if, had I been named Patience Wait, I’d have grown into that sort of person, instead of one who irritably paces her kitchen, cursing at a spatula. I guess we’ll never know.

If you have a coconut craving and do not have the Patience to Wait for say, a coconut cake to appear, try making these incredibly easy cookies. They’re ready in minutes. Just be sure to let them cool before you chow down. Patience. Wait. Read More

When I was a freshman in high school, I auditioned for the annual Gilbert and Sullivan production (that year it was Pirates of Penzance) and I snagged the role of  “a villager,” which involved lurking on stage in an ugly dress, chatting sotto voce with other villagers about the activities of the more interesting characters. The director (fresh out of drama school—she knew her stuff) told us that if we all spoke the word “rhubarb,” over and over, we would collectively sound like we were making intelligent conversation. Read More

I know it’s Easter and we’re supposed to be eating marshmallow Peeps but instead, I’m treating myself to another sweet thing: Jo’s chocolate-covered graham crackers. Jo’s been making them since the forties, in your choice of dark or milk chocolate. I buy a mixed box, because Tom likes dark and I like milk The dark are gone in sixty seconds, while I tend to hoard the milk, saving them for special occasions, like Easter, when, what with the girls gone to college and my aversion to marshmallow sprayed with yellow dye #6, I see no good reason to purchase Peeps. Read More

It’s tough to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day, actually.

For one thing, it’s tough to remember that you have to make a reservation a month in advance, even if you write a note-to-self on the palm of your hand like Sarah Palin does. Then if, by any chance, we do have a reservation, it’s tough to dress up in red or pink finery (it clashes with my new hair color), and then you get there and it’s tough to order (who can read by candlelight?), tough to hear each other (too much ambient laughter), tough to stay sober (who can resist the champagne?) and tough to dance to “Our Love Is Here To Stay” in high heels. It’s just tough all over. Read More

Okay, I’m invited back to the Christmas cookie party I went to last year, and I’m finding that my anxiety level about which recipe to cook up for the event has decreased in 2009. This is because I have, in my pocket, a fab recipe for almond logs, which is my golden ticket.

I will also note that this cookie party could never be thrown by employees of Goldman Sachs. I just heard that G.S. has told its employees they are not allowed to host holiday parties for more than twelve people, lest they further irritate the already livid mob who are sick of seeing the G.S.-ers getting and spending lavish bonuses and otherwise whooping it up. Read More

Even a marshmallow-hater like me cannot resist these awesome bites from Sees. They are caramel and marshmallow, layered and dipped in dark chocolate, and i defy you to tell me you don’t like them. Read More

My children have declared raw fruit an acceptable food, but it took years for us to get here. When they were young, they would always eat applesauce, fig newtons, or cherry pie, but never a fruit in it’s original condition.

Bananas were a breakthrough fruit for the girls, the first raw fruit they both liked, although not in school lunch boxes because they’re “too smelly.” Apples came next, but to this day they’ll only eat them sliced, preferably by me. Read More

I made my husband a chocolate cake for Father’s Day, per his request, and he inhaled it. It was chocoholism run amok; he’s eaten a good 2/3 of the cake in two days.

This can’t be good. I mean, the cake is good, but Tom’s ingestion of it might be a little life-threatening. The next time Father’s Day rolls around I’m going to get him this thing I read about last week called Le Whif. It’s a method of inhaling chocolate without eating six big, fat servings of a big, fat chocolate cake. Read More

I heard recently that the secret to perfect chocolate chip cookies is to allow the dough to rest for 36 hours before you bake.

This is swell in theory, but in reality it’s quite impossible. For crabby cooks, making anything in advance is challenging; we usually cook on an as-needed-right-now basis.

There’s also the fact that I make C.C.C.’s when I’m in emergency mode, when I need them immediately, not in three days. I need them when the kids are having friends over, and you don’t get three days notice on such occasions. You’re lucky if you get three minutes. The house fills, quite suddenly, with hungry teenagers and in a rush of good will, you agree to make them cookies. Before you have time to say, “What was I thinking?” you’ve got out the flour and the butter. A half an hour later, you’ve got happy teens and a great-smelling house. Read More

Just when you thought Haagen-Dazs couldn’t be better (unless you are like my friend Rena who actually thinks it could be better), they’ve come up with, not just a new fabulous flavor but a whole new fabulous line, called “Five,” because the ice cream in question has only five ingredients.  There are no stabilizers and whatever other junky stuff ice cream usually has, just five things: skim milk, cream, sugar, eggs, and a flavoring.

I bought the ginger-flavored one. I actually don’t even like ginger that much, but it sounded exotic; I could pretend I was vacationing in Thailand which would improve my mood. Also I knew nobody else in my family would eat anything gingery so I would have it all to myself. Read More