The Crabby Cook - by Jessica Harper

We were maybe going to go out for dinner last night (for a big fat change), but my  husband was suddenly gripped by a summer virus. (Why does this always happen the minute I make a reservation?) So I was back to spelunking in the fridge for dinner possibilities.

I stumbled across the remains of a turkey loaf, which had been delicious on Wednesday. It was now Sunday, and, not being as well-acquainted with the breeding habits of bacteria as I should be, I wasn’t sure if the loaf was trustworthy. I gave it the scratch ‘n sniff test and then, still uncertain, I ate a bite, figuring I’d take a bullet for my family. If I dropped dead from bacterial poisoning, I would most likely not be serving them the turkey loaf. I’d make pasta instead. (My family does not accept death as an excuse for not cooking.) Read More

I love the Hollywood Bowl, but I love it for the wrong reason.

I don’t love it because it’s a beautiful outdoor venue where you (and nearly 18,000 other patrons) can sit under the stars and hear the L.A. Philharmonic or Beck while crickets chirp and you dine on picnic food.

I love it because, thanks to the Hollywood Bowl dining tradition, many takeout places and restaurants in L.A. offer picnic baskets to go, all summer long. For those of us who are honing our cooking-avoidance skills, this is fabulous.

Read More

The other day, I heard a lady on the radio whose name was Patience Wait. (I am not kidding.) She was participating in a news quiz, and she sounded like a very patient person. I guess she’d have to be patient, growing up with all those knuckleheads cackling about her name. I wonder if, had I been named Patience Wait, I’d have grown into that sort of person, instead of one who irritably paces her kitchen, cursing at a spatula. I guess we’ll never know.

If you have a coconut craving and do not have the Patience to Wait for say, a coconut cake to appear, try making these incredibly easy cookies. They’re ready in minutes. Just be sure to let them cool before you chow down. Patience. Wait. Read More

My friend Amy had introduced me to Kee’s chocolates in Soho, and during a recent visit to NYC I took my daughter there. I felt it was my parental duty; all children should be exposed to the wonder of Kee’s. Maybe higher on the list than the Statue of Liberty. Certainly above The Lion King.

In the tiny shop was a person who has now assumed a place in our personal history: The Man In The Orange T-shirt, our sweet tooth superhero. Within five minutes of our entry, he’d laid out for us a list of  the essential sugar-craver’s hot spots in NYC, starting, of course with Kee’s, which he said was the best chocolate in the world. (“Not in New York, in the world!”) Having thus established his credibility, he went on to direct us to the best ice cream (Sundaes and Cones), cupcakes (Butter Lane), and cake (Lady M). Read More

Who doesn’t love a good burger? I know I do. Well, in Sydney, a certain chef loves ‘em so much he was willing to spend three months planning the construction of the largest burger ever  made.Weighing in at over 210 pounds, the mega-meal took 24 hours to make (120 eggs were involved) and four men to flip.   Read More

We ate it. Everybody, even the picky people in my family (i.e. everyone) loved it, which makes it a Miracle Food. After all the days of prepping (click for details of Day 1, Day 2 or Day 3), this was an excellent result.  My friend Jeffery had told me that if the lasagna verde at L.A.’s Angelini Osteria is the Gelsey Kirkland of lasagna, his is the “’57 Buick, or at least the Ethel Merman.” Okay, so not lighter than air, but it satisfies. Read More

Okay, today is Day 3 of The Hell Of Lasagna, a mini-series inspired by my friend Jeffery who claims that making lasagna is easy. (I know, WTF, right?) If you missed Day 1 and want to catch up, click here. If you missed Day 2, click here. If you are bored with this whole exercise, just go watch Hulu or something.

As the next in what seems like an endless series of steps towards eating this damn dish, I was planning on roasting a chicken today. I should have roasted the chicken yesterday, probably, and made the white sauce today, instead of the other way around, but crabby cooks are not known for expertise in food organization. Read More

Okay, my friend Jeffery talked me into this, and now I’m on Day 2 of The Hell Of Lasagne. If you missed Day 1, when I made the tomato sauce, you can click here to get up to speed. I’ve moved on now, making a béchamel, exactly as instructed by Jeffery. Read More

So, after I bitched about what a pain it is to make lasagna, my  friend Jeffery told me to stop whining and try his recipe, which he swears is delicious and
“easy, but not speedy.” Now, to me, if a recipe is not speedy, it ain’t easy, but then, I’m a crabby cook, and Jeffery is one of those admirable people who understand the expression, “the joy of cooking.” Read More