The Crabby Cook - by Jessica Harper

If Oliver spoke English, he would tell you: a turkey burger with a little pesto thrown in is a beautiful thing. Oliver is, however, a golden retriever, so, although he is nearly perfect, his language skills are limited. But as a food thief, he has no peer.

He has, of late, really honed his counter-surfing skills; his silent stealth rivals that of a rattlesnake. I left Tom’s lovingly made, fat, juicy pesto turkey burger in the kitchen, stepping over Oliver, who was ostensibly sound asleep on the floor. When I came back seconds later, both the burger and the dog were gone. Read More

The cheese ball is a food that goes back a couple of centuries. If you are interested in an incredibly amusing story of great historical interest regarding a mammoth cheese ball, click here. If you are not interested, fine, but your life will just that much less enriched. Think about it while you make this easy appetizer. Read More

I read about a study done recently in England in which people spoke to tomato plants. That is, a group of women spoke to ten plants and a group of men spoke to ten others. After some time, the plants addressed by women flourished, grew beyond expectations, while the men’s plants grew less than normal.

While the study suggests that the timbre of the voice is what’s influencing the tomatoes, I’m thinking maybe women are better at selecting tomato-friendly topics of conversation. For the life of me I don’t know what I’d say to a tomato, but I’m sure I’d skip subjects like the Lakers’ winning streak or the benefits of owning a ’65 Mustang. Call me biased, but I’m not sure a man would be so selective. Read More

I’ve found that this is one of those dishes that make men want to marry you. I could be imagining things (moi?), but I don’t think so: if you serve this pasta at a dinner party, the men look at you differently after the first bite. This causes their wives to look at you differently, too, of course, in a way that’s less friendly. Since I only have dinner parties once or twice a century, this is actually not much of a problem for me, but you should be forewarned.

In my family, only me and my dog Oliver love this dish.  The rest of the group are frightened by foreign cheeses. But if your family are more adventurous (and sick of mac and cheese), or if you’d like your male dinner guests to want to marry you (you homewrecker!), this is the dish for you. Read More